Saturday, June 15, 2013

What I am adopted!!!!

I was 12. Just got out of our local crisis center (local juvey) my parents picked me up and brought me home to a new bedroom set and bed spread they just bought me, I think to make me happy so I would start eating and to feel better about myself. I had and eating disorder for 2 years by this point, the crisis center was the only place they could put me until my parents could find a long term solution for me. Anyways they got me home showed me my new room and then dropped the bomb shell on me......"Jana, honey, you know that lady and her daughter that comes around and sells  Watkins, well she is your biological grandmother and the girl is your aunt. She is your biological dads mom."
"You were adopted." Those words just kept ringing in my head over and over and over and over. Deep inside I knew, but still that was the first time I heard it. I was adopted. What does that mean......
Over the next couple of months I would go to bed dreaming of the possibilities, is he a prince am I a long lost princess, does he live in Europe, is he rich and live in a huge mansion with maids and stuff,,, do I have more siblings. does he ever think of me and what he might look like or what his laugh sounds like, oh the things I thought at 12. I started to write him letters but kept them in my drawer on hope of one day metting heim so that I could give them to him and he would know what I thought and what I was doing. I was 13 and the day arose that I had an opportunity to meet him, I learned he lived in Kansas with his wife and 2 sons. I had 2 brothers, I wonder if they know about me and want to meet me as much as I want to meet them. Well a friend of my mother said it was important for kids to know where they come from, she said she would drive me there to meet him. I was bursting with excitement, then came "what does one wear on meeting there bio dad for the first time, how should I introduce myself (he had no clue I was coming), should I curl my hair leave it straight make-up, no make-up.....things to wonder. Well we drove to Kansas (It was the longest ride of my life) got set up in our hotel and drove by his house. No cars where home so we just wandered around town until we went back and saw a little car in the drive way. My friend stopped on the next block and let me walk up to the house by myself with my shoe box in hand, I knocked on his door and......HE ASNWERED. I just staired at him as he said "can I help you". My heart was pounding inside I wanted to just leap into his arms and call him daddy, and cry and him to hug me and tell me how much he loved me and could not wait for this day to happen. Instead  I introduced myself as Jana marie Baune (as that was my name before I was adopted) I am ****'s daughter, I think I am your daughter....................................................................................... then the long pause.........................then came the Oh shit, and stuff. Well I only stayed for about 20 mins, long enough to have every dream, thought, expectation to be thrown out the window. I gave him the box with the letters in it and told him my name and age etc. But I had to go before his wife and boys got home. He said he was afraid this day would happen, I was like a ghost haunting him from his past, and if there was more I must have blocked it out because that is all I remember. Said goodbye and the door shut........ Was it me, I had just got braces and 2 teeth missing with a bar across them, was I ugly, not what he would want in a daughter. I should have waited a couple of years until the braces are off. Did I have too many zits. Normally I didn't break out except a few but did he see them and thought they were horrible. What did I say, the wrong thing I don't speak well I fumble maybe he thought I was stupid or something. All these things I played in my head as we drove home from Kansas that night, I didn't shed a tear.
         When we got home mom and dad wondered how it went. What do I told me so, was I better off not knowing, all the things I said to you about finding who I am and that you were all just a big fat lie in my life and I want nothing to do with you. That he broke my heart, his LOVE was the last hope I had to my happiness. But I did not shed a tear......."It went good" I said with a grin and went to my room and buried my face in my pillow and cried so hard. It was the first time I have ever felt my heart broken. If you have ever experienced that kind of  pain before then you know how deep it wounded me, with the spirit of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness.

Lord as I stop here, I see how far you have taken me and pursued me as your daughter. I also see how much more you want to walk with me as I still need healing in some areas that I am wounded in. I pray for my family, they are the family you gave me bio or not you put them in my life the good the bad and the ugly. Things happened that broke my heart, I couldn't hear you but you were there. All the bad you made beautiful and all the good you made stronger. Thank You.
Your Daughter still finding her way!

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