Sunday, October 30, 2011


Love Me..........
Until 1 month ago my family and I worked at a "At risk youth" facility. We not only worked there but we lived there too. We loved it and got to love allot of kids that were hungry for love and hope.....that's where the beautiful thing about Jesus came in... He Gave them both and we got to see that AMAZING~
     One of the most blessing that came out of that experience was that we met our 17 year old son there. See sometimes at the facility we would host or run different events, bands etc. to come and perform and one night we met this young man that was performing. The God thing was that the state social worker that we were working with for our other adoptions was his state social worker trying to find him a family. See he has been in foster care since for the past 2 years. Has no family knowledge or where abouts has been in the system in IL,WI,MN.
              My husband was first drawn to him and called the social worker wondering if he could hang out with him, then led to doing respite for his foster mom on weekends sometimes. One night during a concert his worker was there and it blurted out of our mouths how we had fallen in love with him and would love to keep him. She laughed and said well its up to him. We didn't think he would go for it and we would never hear from him again. Well we got a call and social worker said, "well he knew it was coming and it was like he was just waiting for us to ask  him". Instantly we got excited and wanted him to move in RIGHT AWAY!!! But we had to wait till school was done for a nice transition. Well he moved on may 26th and I started (with fear) to dream about how life was going to be with a 17 year boy......I mean Man.
      See he had never really had a REAL family, we were going to be his FAMILY. He never had anybody to call a  Sibling, we had lots of brothers and sisters that LOVES him as a big
brother. Grandparents,aunts,uncles,cousins, Great-grandparents we want to give it all to him. I wanted to take him places he had never been or probably never get to go. Drivers licence and teaching to drive, graduation, sports, help further his passion for music, we will be his BIGGEST fans! But what i am learning is that my LOVE will not make things OK or fill the voids in his life (which i knew form my own life but hoped it would be different for him) but to continue to love him and PRAY HARD! Call out to God and trust. See things have changed recently and i can only walk by faith at this point ( which is what i should have been doing all along).  See he decided that he doesn't want to be adpoted. He says we are his family and don't need a peice of paper to tell him who his family is. I was crushed but somewhat knew it was coming. See God started to prepare my heart to take most of the "BLOW" or the "STING" out a couple of weeks before. I was calm and and said i understood. I loved the fact he still wanted me us but all i heard was that he did not want me to be his mother. At that moment my dreams, my "sons" graduating, this is my "son" on the radio, my "son" is getting married today, our oldest "son" had his first child, (you get it), all out the window. But the most thing my heart broke for is that he didn't feel he could call me mom. Going through adoptions i knew i would always be 2nd best and i had to be ok with that, to expect anything different would be a lie. What i have learned is that no matter how horrible the parents were to these kids and no matter what i do or give them or love them they will ALWAYS want the first thing.... there birth mother.  
      E, I did not give birth to you, but I love you like i did! 
          I know i am not the person you want.....
          but i want to be that person for you.....(even if i am 2nd best i will take)

Lord.... You brought him into our life to call him my son and i realized out of fear i have been clutching him in my hands so i don't lose him, only to understand i need to let him go. I need to give him back to you like Hannah did out of love for her son (Samuel) and love and trust for you. I let go and surrender to you. I trust you and know that you loved him first and will love him last. My prayer is that you will protect him,guard him. Give him understanding and speak to his soul LOUDLY. Help him to hear you and only you better. Love you Lord.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

How we met

Hmmmm........ where to start. Well we both worked in my home town at a Perkins Restaurant as servers. He was going to college and i well let just say being a rebellious 17 yr old not wanting to listen to God's voice. I wanted to party and he had a house to partying in.There was no 'LOVE' at first sight nor 'SPARKS' in my eyes. Just plain old let me use your house so I can party and not get caught. He was quite and not like the other guys. I had allot of guys that pursued me at that time but only wanted one thing or a relationship. I want neither. I was a little out of control at that time in my life. I felt let down by God and was going to go my own way. He would say that I was reckless and had to take care of me as I partied, he never took advantage of that. He says to this day he felt like he had to watch out for me or I could have gotten myself into some bad situations. Still just a friendship I trusted. As days passed, then months we started to date and fall for each other (but with limitations because I never wanted to marry or fall in love). I had plans to get my life on track and go back to YWAM. There was a point that I realized I had some how fallen in love with him. So I moved 3 hours away from him. It always worked in the past with guys I liked, I moved. See guys can't handle the distance in relationships. But the more we were apart the closer it brought us together. We would talk on the phone he would send me cards, mail, and drive on weekends to come see me. I was lonely with out him, my plan was not working. lol He told me hes was moving to a different state to go to school........I had to go with.I honestly thought that we would eventually break up we were both 18, young. I was bored and looking for a new adventure. 2 months into my new adventure he proposed.......OK that sounds exciting (starting to dream). We drove home to show everybody my ring and our news (i will tell  you story later). 3 months into my adventure I found out I was pregnant. Devastation. My world flipped upside down and dreams shattered. (another story later). He was great. He fought for me and stuck with me.That was a real true test of who he was. I struggled with depression, shame, guilt. A boy at 18....he stepped up to the plate, he must have REALLY loved ME! How lucky was I.

My Husband

I have to say I married the most perfect person for me. "Thank you Jesus for creating him knowing we would find our way in this crazy world". Honestly I don't think anyone else could put up with me! :)  I heard a song recently while driving with my sister that makes me dream of marrying him again. I am going to post the song and the words. I just LOVE him so much, with all the craziness of our life I don't get to tell him enough!     

click on link to hear

   WITH YOU by Superchicks

I will walk beside you
Good and bad times
Busk the streets for spare change
I'll hold the sign
Though the storms may blow down
All that we own
I will not be homeless
You are home

Through it all
I'll go down to the bottom with you
They can take it all away
But I'll be alright with you
As long as you are by my side
I'll be okay
I'll be alright
With you

Charge the gates with fury
Blaze through the lines
Do not fear for safety
Yours or mine
Walk the path untraveled
Faith be your guide
I will walk beside you
All our lives

Risk it all
I'll go through anything with you
They can take it all away
But I'll be alright with you
As long as you are in my life
I'll be okay
I'll be alright
With you

Monday, October 3, 2011

Journie part 2

   So I told you how much she loves ALL GODS CREATURES, well here is another example how special she is:......the other day I was cooking supper and the kids were outside playing and she was in the woods. I hear the door open and this sweet voice with ALL the excitement in the world say " look mom I found a new pet and I named him trek." I being use to those words expected another frog, insect etc.....NOPE I turned around to find her holding a turkey. I first FREAKED out and saw it pecking my other children and told them to get away but saw that she was the only one it was no trying to hurt so  not wanting to miss a memory took a quick pic and made her release it in the Forrest, (boy we had tears). The funny part was that she wanted me to hold it so she could use the bathroom (umm no). She left, turkey in arms to be free, but instead she went thru the downstairs door and brought the turkey into the bathroom with her. Oh that girl.
       My hopes for her is that she never changes she can always be carefree and fearless. Completely in love with Jesus and the world he created for her. I pray for her husband to look at her like she's the only one in the room and loves her unconditionally, but loves her more for her flaw. I pray he is adventurous, and his love for others jumps out of his heart. But I also pray he can lead gently w/o crushing her spirit. She brings light into the darkness wherever she goes and joy into spirits with whoever she meets.

Lord- Thank you for this girl, she is truly a gift. forgive me with all my shortcomings to raising her. I put her in your hands. I ask for wisdom while raising and loving her.