Sunday, February 12, 2012

Raw, Naked, ugggggh

UGGGGH............ Remember that "second best" thing with my kids being adopted I talked about being OK with..........well today I take it back. One of our sons turned 9 and his birth dad and sister and step mom came for his birthday. It was good and typical, we had plans for his birthday and they call and tell me that they bought bus tickets and will be here  for 4 days. OK that's fine i would love to rearrange my schedule for you and you and your plans........I  am doing it for my kids not you. So they come and it is good and typical we pay for everything and drive but that's not the worst part, they come in and play this GREAT hero that can do no wrong. When they leave i have to deal with I am going to live with my dad and hes so great. Even my 18 year old (who has no relation to him) thinks he is the "boss" and is feeding the desire of my kids that he is sooooooo wonderful. I wont let my boys watch wrestling because they always start to fight and act like wrestlers, someone ALWAYS gets hurt and bloody. When there dad comes around all that goes out the window and he gets them stuff and does things he knows I don't allow. AGAIN I get to be the bad guy. NO wonder why they don't want to live with us and and would rather live with him. At least in their minds. I am sooooo irritated right now if you cant tell. I am trying to blog instead of hearing this garbage. He is like deliberately following me talking to my oldest about how cool his dad is and he and his siblings when they get older are going to live with him..... I just want to tell him he wont keep you safe or stay sober to feed you more than a bag of chips. You have worked so hard at school and who knows if you will make it to school with him. You wont have your own room let alone your own house. Don't you remember sleeping at the park by the library, smelling of pee because you didn't bath. Remember the things you saw that we talk about it and you knew it was wrong and how you cant sleep at night but I pray for you who will do that? If he was such a cool guy how come he would scare you and hit your mom, why didn't he fight for you when he could have, where was he when your mom was scaring you and threatening to cause harm to you, he could have left her,  how come drugs and alcohol was more important than your safety and well being. Every broken promise who has been there to go to the movies he promised or get that toy he promised or be there for your basketball  or wrestling  or tee ball he promised to go to. Who taught you how swim and ride a bike tie your shoes allowed you to learn things and conquer them. He would not do those things because he did not know how to do them himself. So you would be held back by his fear. Your siblings would be whipped with a belt as you know. So instead of VOMITING this all over him I blogged about it and maybe someday he will realize this on his own till then join me in pray for ME. I need to get over this and surrender this to GOD. Knowing He is in COMPLETE control is the only reason why I am not freaking out and running away to a foreign country and changing our names. LOL Just Kidding.
               I do Pray for them, love them and want the best for them. Hope that one day they will find the the answer like i did, JESUS. Being one that struggled with addictions and living on the street myself i get it. But i did not have kids, the day I found out i was pregnant I knew my life had to change NO matter what or how deep I dug myself in, this life was not about me anymore. Honestly  i do get a long with him (on most days) Today i feel vulnerable and weak and jealous. So there is my raw truthfullness. Exposing my  emotions instead of just being like oh well, i feel so naked!

Lord.... I don't even know how to Pray. I feel so ashamed, naked like I just ate the forbidden fruit for the first time. I don't want to feel this way. I dreamed of open adoptions as doing life and raising children together, like communal living. I love to live that way. I don't like that I have to compete with a bio parents. I guess I want to matter too. More than just a cook, laundry person, or the "parent" for "now". I want to matter and be the parent forever, one that they will want to run too. To be proud to say this is my MOM, not in quotations..........I know I know with you all things are possible and you made these things!
So I will just try to rest in you tonight! Love you
extremely tired.

holding on your daughter of Zion,
Zephaniah  3- 9:20

Friday, February 3, 2012

movies, nursey rhymes and my life

As I hear the kids laugh, yell, argue, and dogs tromp, trip and bark, teenager sneaking in late, having indoor water and food fights (yesterday was ice cream).
I look at my life as a series as many different movies and nursery rhymes such as: Yours Mine and Ours; Cheaper by the Dozen; a little of Beethoven; old mother Hubbard, the old women that lived in a shoe. But just like the happy ending in all these movies and things turn out OK in the nursery rhymes.......we get MIRACLES!

Yours Mine and Ours well first I am like a laid back hippy and my husband would love to have order and  rule the house!! Half the kids are like me and half are like him. Since we are out numbered 2 of us and 9 of them they keep us spinning in circles, i think to try to confuse us and yes they TRY to pit us against each other. The MIRACLE is......we have one of the most dysfunctional, unorganized, cheap, but happy, full of life the childhood type fun i hope my children dreamed of. Thank You Lord For my Family and all the Fun and memory's that will keep us a strong family team! 
Cheaper by the dozen: Well as you can image life summed up in one word CRAZINESS. but i love it and would not change it anything......even though i have my days I throw up my hands and call it a day and thank God that tomorrow will be a new day and today will be a memory. The MIRACLE is..........even during the tough days God gave me a mate to run the race with me, to tag team with me when i need to call it a day! God is faithful everyday to pour into me strength i never knew i had and patience when i need it. I am a lucky girl to be able to sit and listen to laughter of my children, screams and singing. THAT'S A MIRACLE.
Beethoven: Well has been recently with all our extra dogs. I love them but they are a menace. I am finding chewed on potatoes from my pantry, they got into the big bag of dog food. Destroys my trash can  whenever i forget to lock it up, LOL. Awww the life. But now i have to figure out how to help our new turtle Homie. He came with a cracked shell so i have to figure out how the fix him,,,,,
 The little old Lady who lived in a shoe who had so many children she didn't know what to do......there is a MIRACLE in this statement, LOL.  I don't know always what to do, but that is the beautiful MIRACLE. I have to lean fully on God how to parent all these children, each one is totally different and needs to be dwelt with differently. Thank God he made me adaptable. Our parenting skills are ever changing and evolving (depending on the chaos at hand). Through those always changing moments with my kids God is changing me. Helping me grow and flourish in his warmth and light.......Haha i wish it was like that. I grow alright but threw lots of humbling moments, and miss steps and disobedience. I like to think god just looks at me and shakes his head saying "girl you will get it one day, but that's why i love you".
Old Mother Hubbard who went to her cupboard to find that is was bare: Well lets get on thing straight I am not OLD. But if you came to my house right now i do have bare cupboards. It is allot to keep these kids fed, ugghh, and they are only going to get bigger, which means more hungry, more food the never ending cycle... But the MIRACLE is: God always provides. more times than i can count friends people will call letting me know they got extra food they don't need or cleaning out cupboards and wondered if we wanted food they won't use. YES YES YES. God provides. Down to the littlest thing such as syrup and ketcup. My Son loves both and of course were out of both so we prayed and asked for Jesus for syrup and ketchup. He did! Someone dropped off a bag that they got extra of and in there was 3 bottles of ketchup and 2 bottles of syrup. Not just any syrup but apple syrup and berry. To this day my son always says that Jesus has the best syrup's.

Lord, I love the ever changing and fun dynamics of my Family, thank for your protection and faithfulness in the small stuff like syrup and ketchup.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Miracle part1

Miracle, well what can I say about this girl......We met her when she was 1 yrs old. She was little, cute and walked funny but had a smile and laugh as big as the SUN! From little on we called her our "sassy lassy". We work constantly on her attitude and trying not to boss her brothers around. At first she did not take to me only my husband, he would strap her to his back and go on with life as he knew it. Eventually she warmed up to me though.
( Thank the Lord.)

She came to us kinda rough, her legs were funny which made it hard for her to walk and run, Dr's said it was her bones curving inward due to lack of proper nutrition, she had the worst case of a diaper rash. They actually thought it was perianal strep at first. She had open sores all over her bottom area the size of the tip of my finger. She still has scars.  Her spirit is beautiful, so full of life, tender, sweet, caring, but can also stand for herself, strong, but needs lots of physical touch and tenderness.
                 She is my little muffin that i looooooooove so much. I think I may be a little harder on her and I feel guilty when I think about it. I sooo badly want her to do well and love Jesus, life and be happy. I am hard on her at times because I see soooo much of her bio mom in her and fear she will too walk  that same path, so instead of trusting in God for her future I freak out a little!

Lord, help me to just trust you with Miracle. You have her heart. I pray for guidance for me on how to be the parent she needs. I love her!!! Thank you for  bringing her into our lives, I pray for bio parents and there grief and loss which is my Joy. Send people to them to love them and comfort them. My pray is that they find you in that Journey.  Guard miracle's heart, protect it from hurt and keep her strong to stand and wait for the one you created for her to conquer this life with.