UGGGGH............ Remember that "second best" thing with my kids being adopted I talked about being OK with..........well today I take it back. One of our sons turned 9 and his birth dad and sister and step mom came for his birthday. It was good and typical, we had plans for his birthday and they call and tell me that they bought bus tickets and will be here for 4 days. OK that's fine i would love to rearrange my schedule for you and you and your plans........I am doing it for my kids not you. So they come and it is good and typical we pay for everything and drive but that's not the worst part, they come in and play this GREAT hero that can do no wrong. When they leave i have to deal with I am going to live with my dad and hes so great. Even my 18 year old (who has no relation to him) thinks he is the "boss" and is feeding the desire of my kids that he is sooooooo wonderful. I wont let my boys watch wrestling because they always start to fight and act like wrestlers, someone ALWAYS gets hurt and bloody. When there dad comes around all that goes out the window and he gets them stuff and does things he knows I don't allow. AGAIN I get to be the bad guy. NO wonder why they don't want to live with us and and would rather live with him. At least in their minds. I am sooooo irritated right now if you cant tell. I am trying to blog instead of hearing this garbage. He is like deliberately following me talking to my oldest about how cool his dad is and he and his siblings when they get older are going to live with him..... I just want to tell him he wont keep you safe or stay sober to feed you more than a bag of chips. You have worked so hard at school and who knows if you will make it to school with him. You wont have your own room let alone your own house. Don't you remember sleeping at the park by the library, smelling of pee because you didn't bath. Remember the things you saw that we talk about it and you knew it was wrong and how you cant sleep at night but I pray for you who will do that? If he was such a cool guy how come he would scare you and hit your mom, why didn't he fight for you when he could have, where was he when your mom was scaring you and threatening to cause harm to you, he could have left her, how come drugs and alcohol was more important than your safety and well being. Every broken promise who has been there to go to the movies he promised or get that toy he promised or be there for your basketball or wrestling or tee ball he promised to go to. Who taught you how swim and ride a bike tie your shoes allowed you to learn things and conquer them. He would not do those things because he did not know how to do them himself. So you would be held back by his fear. Your siblings would be whipped with a belt as you know. So instead of VOMITING this all over him I blogged about it and maybe someday he will realize this on his own till then join me in pray for ME. I need to get over this and surrender this to GOD. Knowing He is in COMPLETE control is the only reason why I am not freaking out and running away to a foreign country and changing our names. LOL Just Kidding.
I do Pray for them, love them and want the best for them. Hope that one day they will find the the answer like i did, JESUS. Being one that struggled with addictions and living on the street myself i get it. But i did not have kids, the day I found out i was pregnant I knew my life had to change NO matter what or how deep I dug myself in, this life was not about me anymore. Honestly i do get a long with him (on most days) Today i feel vulnerable and weak and jealous. So there is my raw truthfullness. Exposing my emotions instead of just being like oh well, i feel so naked!
Lord.... I don't even know how to Pray. I feel so ashamed, naked like I just ate the forbidden fruit for the first time. I don't want to feel this way. I dreamed of open adoptions as doing life and raising children together, like communal living. I love to live that way. I don't like that I have to compete with a bio parents. I guess I want to matter too. More than just a cook, laundry person, or the "parent" for "now". I want to matter and be the parent forever, one that they will want to run too. To be proud to say this is my MOM, not in quotations..........I know I know with you all things are possible and you made these things!
So I will just try to rest in you tonight! Love you
extremely tired.
holding on your daughter of Zion,
Zephaniah 3- 9:20
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