Sunday, December 13, 2015

Prodigal part2



    Scripture says: The "Prodigal Son" came to his senses and went home to ask for a servants  job in his father's house. A far off distance the father saw him, ran to him and filled with compassion for him, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Luke 15:19-20

            I don't know if it was that easy or simple as it says, but as I read the story to me it was filled with much more love and emotion than I first read. But doing some more reading and wisdom from a friend I realized it was not entailment that he freely walked away but it was the love from his father and the relationship they had that he knew he had that freedom. Yes it broke the fathers heart but the son knew he loved him. I tend to believe it was his shame of disappointing his father that kept him away.

          ~ Walking up the road towards home. Sweat dripping down my face, partially because its hot and but mostly because I'm scared. I have walked this road a 1000 times wanting to go home. I tell myself "he will never again love you as his child". I squandered my inheritance and I have shamed him. Some where the rebelliousness and pride turned into the shame and guilt that is visible on my tattered torn clothes. The stench of my sin is seeping from my pores. I walk a little slower as I kick the stones beneath my feet. I rehearse what I will say and prepare myself for the rejection from my father. How do I address him, Father, sir. As I continue to walk my stomach growls, my lips are dry, "I am starving and thirsty"! I will go and ask for a servant's job in his house for he won't recognize me, for I was a boy when I left but now I am a  man! I started to notice familiar things, "I am getting closer".  Now my stomach is in knots. I stop a couple of times to vomit along the side of the road. The Shame rises up and tells me to turn around and run. The lies in my head are saying, "You are no longer worthy to call yourself son, look at you in filthy rags, wanting to go back to something that is no longer there".  I suddenly froze, there it is, my father's house. I can see him from a distance.......I can still turn and walk away and save myself from the rejection I know I will get and deserve. I see him. He looks as if he's running toward me yelling my name. I feel my heart pounding I am trembling in fear. Why is he running towards me? If my feet didn't feel like a 1000 lbs I would turn and run. "Come on feet move". Scared of what he might do I will just beg for forgiveness.  He's still yelling my name. How did he recognize me? My heart feels like it's pounding in my feet. He's almost to me , still yelling my name. I go to blurt out "I am sorry, forgive me, Please, I'm sorry", but not sound came out, fear has me frozen, waiting for my justly punishment. He grabs me and pulls me to him. My face is buried into his chest. He's holding me so tight. I hear the moan echoing from his rib cage. I grab on to him so tight like my life depended on it. I feel his back vibrating under my hands and his tears are falling into my hair. My Father was sobbing over me! With every sound he made or tear that fell, I felt more and more whole. Shame gone, guilt gone, unworthiness gone. I tried to muster out the words I am sorry, forgive me, but I couldn't, I was crying to hard. Instead I heard the words " I am so proud of you", "I love you". Oh how I longed to hear those words. He called me his beloved and called out for his servant to fetch him a robe, sandals and a ring. Not just any robe, "he exclaimed" but the BEST robe. I had seen that robe before on my father. He would wear it proudly on special occasions. It was to show his position and authority amongst others. He wrapped that robe around me and put the ring on my finger to show my position and importance so that no one could condemn me. I was alive and well and once again called his son. As he put the sandals upon my weary feet, he prayed, "These my son are to help you walk in the ways of the Lord and not to stumble". He rose up and with great joy he announced " Now we must celebrate, for my son that was once dead is now alive, he was lost and now is found"!

           









Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Prodigal Part 1

The past year and a half, the Lord has been walking me through the Prodigal Son through my life. Through that it sparked a love for writing.  I am pretty excited  about this piece of writing. It brought healing to my life when I didn't expect it!
         I went home for a summer with my kiddos last summer. Went to a little church in a town where I lived for a while in foster care. See I went to a Christian school, lived with a Christian family, in a Christian community. Fast forward to me at 18, partying, living with my boyfriend/fiancĂ©, knowing how I was living my I ignored everyone from back home and then...........pregnant! I love my son but being pregnant was the worst time in my life. I became so depressed and all I could think about was my shame and how I Let everyone down and they were going to be so disappointed in me! So I never went back and disconnected myself from everyone I loved! Fast Forward  15 years,  I am nervous as I am getting ready to walk through the doors of the church I once attended and its like a reunion night, everyone is home for the 4th of July so they are having a special service. I felt shameful and gross and uncomfortable in my own skin. I was late so I didn't have to mingle with anyone (on purpose) and sat in the 2nd to last row in the far corner. Even though I was SO uncomfortable I had a sense of peace over me, I just closed my eyes and worshiped. I cant remember at what point I saw him, my foster dad, a man that I  LOVE so much as a father and holds a crazy special place in my  heart for him. He was the kind of father I dreamt of as a kid. Fun, loving, quirky, strong, sensitive, would read the bible after dinner and pray before bed, compassionate, just awesome! Well he didn't recognize me at first but then he did and grabbed me and told me how much he loved me and was proud of me and well everything was a blurr I just remember crying and the feeling of release, like letting go. In that moment I felt it washed away years of filth and shame I had projected on myself. I went home feeling like I was on cloud nine, as light as air, so free, like a little girl in a meadow twirling among the daises! Then it clicked, I was like the "Prodigal". I got my bible out and read it. Oh my gosh, it was INSANE,  the part of the Prodigal it came alive in a different way that I understood, so I wrote it through my eyes and feelings.
PEACE AND MUCH LOVE<

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Miracle Jubilee part 2


Miracle Jubilee:......I just love this girl. I have a great admiration mixed in with a little fear for the world when she grows up! She loves hard and can pack a mean punch. She will be a fierce to be reckoned with! She is deaf in one ear and has a substantial loss of hearing in the other ear but really, you would never guess it! She never wears her hearing aide, and she has speech issues just because how she hears things then articulates it but again you would never know! She does not let it hold her back! I am not the most affectionate. I constantly have to make an effort to remember to be affectionate, Its just not me. She on the other hand is one that likes to hang on you and hug and kiss, supper affectionate.I ask God to help me constantly with that so I don't snuff that out in her. God just has to do a lot of healing in me on that area yet! But God gave her to  me and he knew I would need help bringing that part out I guess! When she grows up she wants to be a mom, teacher, ninja.
She ask us weekly when we are going adopt a baby sister for her to play with! She's my little muffin!

Lord, I shake my head with so much to pray for with this little muffin! She puts a smile on my face everyday! I pray her future husband is compassionate and patient with her and looks at her as if she the only one in the room! I pray she feels loved to the very core of her being. Protect her, guide her. May your voice be louder than the world!
 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

What I am adopted!!!!

I was 12. Just got out of our local crisis center (local juvey) my parents picked me up and brought me home to a new bedroom set and bed spread they just bought me, I think to make me happy so I would start eating and to feel better about myself. I had and eating disorder for 2 years by this point, the crisis center was the only place they could put me until my parents could find a long term solution for me. Anyways they got me home showed me my new room and then dropped the bomb shell on me......"Jana, honey, you know that lady and her daughter that comes around and sells  Watkins, well she is your biological grandmother and the girl is your aunt. She is your biological dads mom."
"You were adopted." Those words just kept ringing in my head over and over and over and over. Deep inside I knew, but still that was the first time I heard it. I was adopted. What does that mean......
Over the next couple of months I would go to bed dreaming of the possibilities, is he a prince am I a long lost princess, does he live in Europe, is he rich and live in a huge mansion with maids and stuff,,, do I have more siblings. does he ever think of me and what he might look like or what his laugh sounds like, oh the things I thought at 12. I started to write him letters but kept them in my drawer on hope of one day metting heim so that I could give them to him and he would know what I thought and what I was doing. I was 13 and the day arose that I had an opportunity to meet him, I learned he lived in Kansas with his wife and 2 sons. I had 2 brothers, I wonder if they know about me and want to meet me as much as I want to meet them. Well a friend of my mother said it was important for kids to know where they come from, she said she would drive me there to meet him. I was bursting with excitement, then came "what does one wear on meeting there bio dad for the first time, how should I introduce myself (he had no clue I was coming), should I curl my hair leave it straight make-up, no make-up.....things to wonder. Well we drove to Kansas (It was the longest ride of my life) got set up in our hotel and drove by his house. No cars where home so we just wandered around town until we went back and saw a little car in the drive way. My friend stopped on the next block and let me walk up to the house by myself with my shoe box in hand, I knocked on his door and......HE ASNWERED. I just staired at him as he said "can I help you". My heart was pounding inside I wanted to just leap into his arms and call him daddy, and cry and him to hug me and tell me how much he loved me and could not wait for this day to happen. Instead  I introduced myself as Jana marie Baune (as that was my name before I was adopted) I am ****'s daughter, I think I am your daughter....................................................................................... then the long pause.........................then came the Oh shit, and stuff. Well I only stayed for about 20 mins, long enough to have every dream, thought, expectation to be thrown out the window. I gave him the box with the letters in it and told him my name and age etc. But I had to go before his wife and boys got home. He said he was afraid this day would happen, I was like a ghost haunting him from his past, and if there was more I must have blocked it out because that is all I remember. Said goodbye and the door shut........ Was it me, I had just got braces and 2 teeth missing with a bar across them, was I ugly, not what he would want in a daughter. I should have waited a couple of years until the braces are off. Did I have too many zits. Normally I didn't break out except a few but did he see them and thought they were horrible. What did I say, the wrong thing I don't speak well I fumble maybe he thought I was stupid or something. All these things I played in my head as we drove home from Kansas that night, I didn't shed a tear.
         When we got home mom and dad wondered how it went. What do I say.....you told me so, was I better off not knowing, all the things I said to you about finding who I am and that you were all just a big fat lie in my life and I want nothing to do with you. That he broke my heart, his LOVE was the last hope I had to my happiness. But I did not shed a tear......."It went good" I said with a grin and went to my room and buried my face in my pillow and cried so hard. It was the first time I have ever felt my heart broken. If you have ever experienced that kind of  pain before then you know how deep it wounded me, with the spirit of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness.

Lord as I stop here, I see how far you have taken me and pursued me as your daughter. I also see how much more you want to walk with me as I still need healing in some areas that I am wounded in. I pray for my family, they are the family you gave me bio or not you put them in my life the good the bad and the ugly. Things happened that broke my heart, I couldn't hear you but you were there. All the bad you made beautiful and all the good you made stronger. Thank You.
Your Daughter still finding her way!

SCARS

Adoption is hard..........I look at my crew and sometimes just cry at how blessed we are, then sometimes I cry about the loss that the birth family goes through. I cant imagine letting go of my babies to be raised by another, always wondering......
We have my niece staying with us for a month for the summer and she said something so profound and wonderful that help me see things in a better perspective. We were sitting around the table and talking about our scars and battle wounds she said in her little soft voice "I have scar but I don't remember if it hurt but I can see it so I know its a scar, but after a while I forget about it and it faded away.....".   That's so true in life. We can feel the pain at first but as the pain fades away we are left with a scar. A scar that reminds us of the pain we felt, but God wants to heal us from that scar, to help us deal with the memory of that pain, and after awhile the pain (scar) will fade away if we let him.
So my prayer is for all the birth families that they can find healing in the decision they made so they are not forever bound by a painful scar on their heart. That they may find peace and JOY in the life they live.

Father I pray the scars that still cause pain in someone's life today. Gently take our hands and walk us through what we have to do in order to release it to you. I thank you for the pain we must endure sometimes to make us better people. Help us to realize it is not meant to hurt us or stunt us but to grow and to see the blessing in the midst.
Love your daughter trying to still figure things out.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Long overdue update!

Well a long over due update is..........the foster baby we had is going to be the newest addition to our family:) We love him. He has a mischief personality, loving, tender, busy little boy! LOL But hes going to be a great addition to our family.

                         
This is baby. Will be 2 in April. Super smart and super busy!!!! love this boy though.
 
 
Lord- Thank you again for another blessing. Show me his name and verse. My prayer is to raise him for you that his heart will always have a love for your people. He will be strong in you and to be a leader to lead the broken.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I am ......and I have no certification!

I am a..........
      
          Nurse, vet, referee, maid, gourmett chief,
professional butt wiper, taxi driver, barber, hairdresser, builder of many things, soccer, basketball, swimming, dance, tee ball cheerleader, gardener, keeper of all things sacred ( like cars and money and dolls ), banker, seamstress, detective of things they try to hide or things that need to be found, nutritionist, home decorated, construction worker (sorta), teacher, librarian, counselor, friend, mother, wife, daughter, sister, activist, personal shopper, painter, bug catcher/holder, photographer, movie critic ( to give my approval ratings),
..........and much more I will add more as i grow or figure it out. Its amazing all the things you find that you are capable of doing.