Sunday, December 13, 2015

Prodigal part2

    Scripture says: The "Prodigal Son" came to his senses and went home to ask for a servants  job in his father's house. A far off distance the father saw him, ran to him and filled with compassion for him, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Luke 15:19-20

            I don't know if it was that easy or simple as it says, but as I read the story to me it was filled with much more love and emotion than I first read. But doing some more reading and wisdom from a friend I realized it was not entailment that he freely walked away but it was the love from his father and the relationship they had that he knew he had that freedom. Yes it broke the fathers heart but the son knew he loved him. I tend to believe it was his shame of disappointing his father that kept him away.

          ~ Walking up the road towards home. Sweat dripping down my face, partially because its hot and but mostly because I'm scared. I have walked this road a 1000 times wanting to go home. I tell myself "he will never again love you as his child". I squandered my inheritance and I have shamed him. Some where the rebelliousness and pride turned into the shame and guilt that is visible on my tattered torn clothes. The stench of my sin is seeping from my pores. I walk a little slower as I kick the stones beneath my feet. I rehearse what I will say and prepare myself for the rejection from my father. How do I address him, Father, sir. As I continue to walk my stomach growls, my lips are dry, "I am starving and thirsty"! I will go and ask for a servant's job in his house for he won't recognize me, for I was a boy when I left but now I am a  man! I started to notice familiar things, "I am getting closer".  Now my stomach is in knots. I stop a couple of times to vomit along the side of the road. The Shame rises up and tells me to turn around and run. The lies in my head are saying, "You are no longer worthy to call yourself son, look at you in filthy rags, wanting to go back to something that is no longer there".  I suddenly froze, there it is, my father's house. I can see him from a distance.......I can still turn and walk away and save myself from the rejection I know I will get and deserve. I see him. He looks as if he's running toward me yelling my name. I feel my heart pounding I am trembling in fear. Why is he running towards me? If my feet didn't feel like a 1000 lbs I would turn and run. "Come on feet move". Scared of what he might do I will just beg for forgiveness.  He's still yelling my name. How did he recognize me? My heart feels like it's pounding in my feet. He's almost to me , still yelling my name. I go to blurt out "I am sorry, forgive me, Please, I'm sorry", but not sound came out, fear has me frozen, waiting for my justly punishment. He grabs me and pulls me to him. My face is buried into his chest. He's holding me so tight. I hear the moan echoing from his rib cage. I grab on to him so tight like my life depended on it. I feel his back vibrating under my hands and his tears are falling into my hair. My Father was sobbing over me! With every sound he made or tear that fell, I felt more and more whole. Shame gone, guilt gone, unworthiness gone. I tried to muster out the words I am sorry, forgive me, but I couldn't, I was crying to hard. Instead I heard the words " I am so proud of you", "I love you". Oh how I longed to hear those words. He called me his beloved and called out for his servant to fetch him a robe, sandals and a ring. Not just any robe, "he exclaimed" but the BEST robe. I had seen that robe before on my father. He would wear it proudly on special occasions. It was to show his position and authority amongst others. He wrapped that robe around me and put the ring on my finger to show my position and importance so that no one could condemn me. I was alive and well and once again called his son. As he put the sandals upon my weary feet, he prayed, "These my son are to help you walk in the ways of the Lord and not to stumble". He rose up and with great joy he announced " Now we must celebrate, for my son that was once dead is now alive, he was lost and now is found"!


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Prodigal Part 1

The past year and a half, the Lord has been walking me through the Prodigal Son through my life. Through that it sparked a love for writing.  I am pretty excited  about this piece of writing. It brought healing to my life when I didn't expect it!
         I went home for a summer with my kiddos last summer. Went to a little church in a town where I lived for a while in foster care. See I went to a Christian school, lived with a Christian family, in a Christian community. Fast forward to me at 18, partying, living with my boyfriend/fiancĂ©, knowing how I was living my I ignored everyone from back home and then...........pregnant! I love my son but being pregnant was the worst time in my life. I became so depressed and all I could think about was my shame and how I Let everyone down and they were going to be so disappointed in me! So I never went back and disconnected myself from everyone I loved! Fast Forward  15 years,  I am nervous as I am getting ready to walk through the doors of the church I once attended and its like a reunion night, everyone is home for the 4th of July so they are having a special service. I felt shameful and gross and uncomfortable in my own skin. I was late so I didn't have to mingle with anyone (on purpose) and sat in the 2nd to last row in the far corner. Even though I was SO uncomfortable I had a sense of peace over me, I just closed my eyes and worshiped. I cant remember at what point I saw him, my foster dad, a man that I  LOVE so much as a father and holds a crazy special place in my  heart for him. He was the kind of father I dreamt of as a kid. Fun, loving, quirky, strong, sensitive, would read the bible after dinner and pray before bed, compassionate, just awesome! Well he didn't recognize me at first but then he did and grabbed me and told me how much he loved me and was proud of me and well everything was a blurr I just remember crying and the feeling of release, like letting go. In that moment I felt it washed away years of filth and shame I had projected on myself. I went home feeling like I was on cloud nine, as light as air, so free, like a little girl in a meadow twirling among the daises! Then it clicked, I was like the "Prodigal". I got my bible out and read it. Oh my gosh, it was INSANE,  the part of the Prodigal it came alive in a different way that I understood, so I wrote it through my eyes and feelings.


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Miracle Jubilee part 2

Miracle Jubilee:......I just love this girl. I have a great admiration mixed in with a little fear for the world when she grows up! She loves hard and can pack a mean punch. She will be a fierce to be reckoned with! She is deaf in one ear and has a substantial loss of hearing in the other ear but really, you would never guess it! She never wears her hearing aide, and she has speech issues just because how she hears things then articulates it but again you would never know! She does not let it hold her back! I am not the most affectionate. I constantly have to make an effort to remember to be affectionate, Its just not me. She on the other hand is one that likes to hang on you and hug and kiss, supper affectionate.I ask God to help me constantly with that so I don't snuff that out in her. God just has to do a lot of healing in me on that area yet! But God gave her to  me and he knew I would need help bringing that part out I guess! When she grows up she wants to be a mom, teacher, ninja.
She ask us weekly when we are going adopt a baby sister for her to play with! She's my little muffin!

Lord, I shake my head with so much to pray for with this little muffin! She puts a smile on my face everyday! I pray her future husband is compassionate and patient with her and looks at her as if she the only one in the room! I pray she feels loved to the very core of her being. Protect her, guide her. May your voice be louder than the world!