LOVE ME!!!!

Love Me..........

  

Until 1 month ago my family and I worked at a "At risk youth" facility. We not only worked there but we lived there too. We loved it and got to love allot of kids that were hungry for love and hope.....that's where the beautiful thing about Jesus came in... He Gave them both and we got to see that AMAZING~

     One of the most blessing that came out of that experience was that we met our 17 year old son there. See sometimes at the facility we would host or run different events, bands etc. to come and perform and one night we met this young man that was performing. The God thing was that the state social worker that we were working with for our other adoptions was his state social worker trying to find him a family. See he has been in foster care since for the past 2 years. Has no family knowledge or where abouts has been in the system in IL,WI,MN.
              My husband was first drawn to him and called the social worker wondering if he could hang out with him, then led to doing respite for his foster mom on weekends sometimes. One night during a concert his worker was there and it blurted out of our mouths how we had fallen in love with him and would love to keep him. She laughed and said well its up to him. We didn't think he would go for it and we would never hear from him again. Well we got a call and social worker said, "well he knew it was coming and it was like he was just waiting for us to ask  him". Instantly we got excited and wanted him to move in RIGHT AWAY!!! But we had to wait till school was done for a nice transition. Well he moved on may 26th and I started (with fear) to dream about how life was going to be with a 17 year boy......I mean Man.

      See he had never really had a REAL family, we were going to be his FAMILY. He never had anybody to call a  Sibling, we had lots of brothers and sisters that LOVES him as a big

brother. Grandparents,aunts,uncles,cousins, Great-grandparents we want to give it all to him. I wanted to take him places he had never been or probably never get to go. Drivers licence and teaching to drive, graduation, sports, help further his passion for music, we will be his BIGGEST fans! But what i am learning is that my LOVE will not make things OK or fill the voids in his life (which i knew form my own life but hoped it would be different for him) but to continue to love him and PRAY HARD! Call out to God and trust. See things have changed recently and i can only walk by faith at this point ( which is what i should have been doing all along).  See he decided that he doesn't want to be adpoted. He says we are his family and don't need a peice of paper to tell him who his family is. I was crushed but somewhat knew it was coming. See God started to prepare my heart to take most of the "BLOW" or the "STING" out a couple of weeks before. I was calm and and said i understood. I loved the fact he still wanted me us but all i heard was that he did not want me to be his mother. At that moment my dreams, my "sons" graduating, this is my "son" on the radio, my "son" is getting married today, our oldest "son" had his first child, (you get it), all out the window. But the most thing my heart broke for is that he didn't feel he could call me mom. Going through adoptions i knew i would always be 2nd best and i had to be ok with that, to expect anything different would be a lie. What i have learned is that no matter how horrible the parents were to these kids and no matter what i do or give them or love them they will ALWAYS want the first thing.... there birth mother.  

  

      E, I did not give birth to you, but I love you like i did! 

          I know i am not the person you want.....

          but i want to be that person for you.....(even if i am 2nd best i will take)

    

                      

Lord.... You brought him into our life to call him my son and i realized out of fear i have been clutching him in my hands so i don't lose him, only to understand i need to let him go. I need to give him back to you like Hannah did out of love for her son (Samuel) and love and trust for you. I let go and surrender to you. I trust you and know that you loved him first and will love him last. My prayer is that you will protect him,guard him. Give him understanding and speak to his soul LOUDLY. Help him to hear you and only you better. Love you Lord.