LOVE ME!!!!

Love Me..........

  

Until 1 month ago my family and I worked at a "At risk youth" facility. We not only worked there but we lived there too. We loved it and got to love allot of kids that were hungry for love and hope.....that's where the beautiful thing about Jesus came in... He Gave them both and we got to see that AMAZING~

     One of the most blessing that came out of that experience was that we met our 17 year old son there. See sometimes at the facility we would host or run different events, bands etc. to come and perform and one night we met this young man that was performing. The God thing was that the state social worker that we were working with for our other adoptions was his state social worker trying to find him a family. See he has been in foster care since for the past 2 years. Has no family knowledge or where abouts has been in the system in IL,WI,MN.
              My husband was first drawn to him and called the social worker wondering if he could hang out with him, then led to doing respite for his foster mom on weekends sometimes. One night during a concert his worker was there and it blurted out of our mouths how we had fallen in love with him and would love to keep him. She laughed and said well its up to him. We didn't think he would go for it and we would never hear from him again. Well we got a call and social worker said, "well he knew it was coming and it was like he was just waiting for us to ask  him". Instantly we got excited and wanted him to move in RIGHT AWAY!!! But we had to wait till school was done for a nice transition. Well he moved on may 26th and I started (with fear) to dream about how life was going to be with a 17 year boy......I mean Man.

      See he had never really had a REAL family, we were going to be his FAMILY. He never had anybody to call a  Sibling, we had lots of brothers and sisters that LOVES him as a big

brother. Grandparents,aunts,uncles,cousins, Great-grandparents we want to give it all to him. I wanted to take him places he had never been or probably never get to go. Drivers licence and teaching to drive, graduation, sports, help further his passion for music, we will be his BIGGEST fans! But what i am learning is that my LOVE will not make things OK or fill the voids in his life (which i knew form my own life but hoped it would be different for him) but to continue to love him and PRAY HARD! Call out to God and trust. See things have changed recently and i can only walk by faith at this point ( which is what i should have been doing all along).  See he decided that he doesn't want to be adpoted. He says we are his family and don't need a peice of paper to tell him who his family is. I was crushed but somewhat knew it was coming. See God started to prepare my heart to take most of the "BLOW" or the "STING" out a couple of weeks before. I was calm and and said i understood. I loved the fact he still wanted me us but all i heard was that he did not want me to be his mother. At that moment my dreams, my "sons" graduating, this is my "son" on the radio, my "son" is getting married today, our oldest "son" had his first child, (you get it), all out the window. But the most thing my heart broke for is that he didn't feel he could call me mom. Going through adoptions i knew i would always be 2nd best and i had to be ok with that, to expect anything different would be a lie. What i have learned is that no matter how horrible the parents were to these kids and no matter what i do or give them or love them they will ALWAYS want the first thing.... there birth mother.  

  

      E, I did not give birth to you, but I love you like i did! 

          I know i am not the person you want.....

          but i want to be that person for you.....(even if i am 2nd best i will take)

    

                      

Lord.... You brought him into our life to call him my son and i realized out of fear i have been clutching him in my hands so i don't lose him, only to understand i need to let him go. I need to give him back to you like Hannah did out of love for her son (Samuel) and love and trust for you. I let go and surrender to you. I trust you and know that you loved him first and will love him last. My prayer is that you will protect him,guard him. Give him understanding and speak to his soul LOUDLY. Help him to hear you and only you better. Love you Lord.

How we met

Hmmmm........ where to start. Well we both worked in my home town at a Perkins Restaurant as servers. He was going to college and i well let just say being a rebellious 17 yr old not wanting to listen to God's voice. I wanted to party and he had a house to partying in.There was no 'LOVE' at first sight nor 'SPARKS' in my eyes. Just plain old let me use your house so I can party and not get caught. He was quite and not like the other guys. I had allot of guys that pursued me at that time but only wanted one thing or a relationship. I want neither. I was a little out of control at that time in my life. I felt let down by God and was going to go my own way. He would say that I was reckless and had to take care of me as I partied, he never took advantage of that. He says to this day he felt like he had to watch out for me or I could have gotten myself into some bad situations. Still just a friendship I trusted. As days passed, then months we started to date and fall for each other (but with limitations because I never wanted to marry or fall in love). I had plans to get my life on track and go back to YWAM. There was a point that I realized I had some how fallen in love with him. So I moved 3 hours away from him. It always worked in the past with guys I liked, I moved. See guys can't handle the distance in relationships. But the more we were apart the closer it brought us together. We would talk on the phone he would send me cards, mail, and drive on weekends to come see me. I was lonely with out him, my plan was not working. lol He told me hes was moving to a different state to go to school........I had to go with.I honestly thought that we would eventually break up we were both 18, young. I was bored and looking for a new adventure. 2 months into my new adventure he proposed.......OK that sounds exciting (starting to dream). We drove home to show everybody my ring and our news (i will tell  you story later). 3 months into my adventure I found out I was pregnant. Devastation. My world flipped upside down and dreams shattered. (another story later). He was great. He fought for me and stuck with me.That was a real true test of who he was. I struggled with depression, shame, guilt. A boy at 18....he stepped up to the plate, he must have REALLY loved ME! How lucky was I.

My Husband

I have to say I married the most perfect person for me. "Thank you Jesus for creating him knowing we would find our way in this crazy world". Honestly I don't think anyone else could put up with me! :)  I heard a song recently while driving with my sister that makes me dream of marrying him again. I am going to post the song and the words. I just LOVE him so much, with all the craziness of our life I don't get to tell him enough!     


click on link to hear
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wK_GCaYCyM


   WITH YOU by Superchicks


I will walk beside you
Good and bad times
Busk the streets for spare change
I'll hold the sign
Though the storms may blow down
All that we own
I will not be homeless
You are home

Through it all
I'll go down to the bottom with you
They can take it all away
But I'll be alright with you
As long as you are by my side
I'll be okay
I'll be alright
With you


Charge the gates with fury
Blaze through the lines
Do not fear for safety
Yours or mine
Walk the path untraveled
Faith be your guide
I will walk beside you
All our lives


Risk it all
I'll go through anything with you
They can take it all away
But I'll be alright with you
As long as you are in my life
I'll be okay
I'll be alright
With you

Journie part 2

   So I told you how much she loves ALL GODS CREATURES, well here is another example how special she is:......the other day I was cooking supper and the kids were outside playing and she was in the woods. I hear the door open and this sweet voice with ALL the excitement in the world say " look mom I found a new pet and I named him trek." I being use to those words expected another frog, insect etc.....NOPE I turned around to find her holding a turkey. I first FREAKED out and saw it pecking my other children and told them to get away but saw that she was the only one it was no trying to hurt so  not wanting to miss a memory took a quick pic and made her release it in the Forrest, (boy we had tears). The funny part was that she wanted me to hold it so she could use the bathroom (umm no). She left, turkey in arms to be free, but instead she went thru the downstairs door and brought the turkey into the bathroom with her. Oh that girl.

    

       My hopes for her is that she never changes she can always be carefree and fearless. Completely in love with Jesus and the world he created for her. I pray for her husband to look at her like she's the only one in the room and loves her unconditionally, but loves her more for her flaw. I pray he is adventurous, and his love for others jumps out of his heart. But I also pray he can lead gently w/o crushing her spirit. She brings light into the darkness wherever she goes and joy into spirits with whoever she meets.

Lord- Thank you for this girl, she is truly a gift. forgive me with all my shortcomings to raising her. I put her in your hands. I ask for wisdom while raising and loving her.

Journie.....part 1

                       Memories of Journie that I want to remember:
                                                (part 1)

                            

Flashback: From day one she’s been determined, yet obedient, loving, a nature girl to the CORE! Her first word was not mama not papa but “kitty”. When she was about 1 year old we would go fishing and have a huge 5 gallon bucket with our minnows. She walked up to the bucket and flipped upside down in the bucket, I freaked out and ran to her and pulled her out she had a hand full of minnows and a smile on her face. Every time after that when we went fishing she hung out in the minnow bucket. (:

She would collect worms, beetles, grasshoppers, cockroaches, spiders, ants, frogs, and they would all come into our house. She was always dumping out her clothes out of the drawers, so I was cleaning her room and was going to put her clothes away only to find that her drawers were already in use with grass and frogs. She had a bed that we built with a slide attached to it and she would take her friends (creatures) down the slide with her. She loves ALL GODS creatures. If you asked her to be careful around certain  creatures, she will tell you NOPE God makes all the creatures in the world nice to me and non- poisonous.   She has a purple purse that I have learned only by error that she brought everywhere like birthday parties, church, etc….. one day I realized what she is doing was packing her purse with her frogs! So know we have to check bags before going places.

Her heart is that like mine…a missionary. She LOVES kids and babies, and like me wants to save them. She has the desire to have (in her words) 100 babies. The other day I asked her to help change a diaper. She moaned and asked “why”, I told her that it’s good practice for when she has all those babies God will bring into your life. She said “wweeell” I am going to live in a tree! Hahaha I looked at her and told her that I was excited for her because I to always wanted to live in a tree, like the movie

“Swiss family Robison”. She looked at me and said I just want to learn how animals live.  Her favorite shows/movies are discovery, national geographic, swamp brothers, whale wars.

Her favorite color is pink, loves candy/chocolate, sushi. Loves to laugh, fart, LOVES the idea of a wedding and is just getting into the boy crazy stage (LORD help us).

But she’s awesome!

Dream

~ “I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.”- Martin Luther King Jr.

Ponder……if Martin Luther King Jr. would have never had the courage to dream would we be able to have the family we are today. When he prayed over his dream, do you think he dreamt himself being murder, not being a live to see his dream lived out. Probably  not. As he started to pursue his dream he had to then surrender it and allow GOD to tweak it a little and even in the danger he still said “I HAVE A DREAM”……………not “I HAD A  DREAM BUT THIS IS NOT IT.”   See to dream…..is scary, only if you understand that your dream is the beginning, and not GOD’s final product.

I started to dream about this house I want. But then I started to stop myself from dreaming about it just in case we are unable to get. Then I thought that is stupid. I Googled “Dream” in Thesaurus.com and this is one of the result I got:

Main Entry:	dream
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	goal
Synonyms:	ambition, aspiration, design, desire, flight of fancy, hope, notion, pipe dream, wish

I found it interesting that it has words like: desire, hope, aspiration all linked to part of its meaning. And what was CRAZY was that its definition was GOAL. God says to dream. So why am I so disappointed when what I dream does not happen or It does not happen the way I have dreamt it. Somewhere along the road I have watched the movie “field of dreams” where it they say “If you build it they will come”. God says to dream not that I will get everything I want. It is so that I grow and believe bigger things are possible, to strengthen my faith, so that he can show me how much he DOES love and care for me when he takes my little dream and shows me how much more he can do with it.

Flashback: I was 12 when I found out I was adopted and I had the opportunity to meet my
 bio dad. I started to dream about what kind of a father he was going to be to me, he (in my dreams) will be everything I EVER wanted. After 3 months of dreaming I was finally going to meet him. I just remember the butterflies in my stomach, excitement, would I call him dad or his name. How should I introduce myself, what should I where, my hair. Well there I was outside his door (I almost threw up), I knocked and there he was……..he swept me in his arms held me we cried he said he thought about me every day…....That was the dream I had that gave me the courage to get here, but reality was he was shocked, he did not want me, he wanted me to leave before his boys came home. Basically, never to look for him again.

If God would have shown me that in my dream of course I would have never went. But then I would have always wondered and kept him in that place as “MY DAD”, my knight in shining armor. But God is good he took that spot in my broken heart and with my permission He’s my “DAD” and he took the rejection and replaced it with worthiness, and he wanted me. He set me apart and made me different and called me his own. He is a God of restoration.

So DREAM. Don’t fear it because you’re afraid to lose something. And if you have lost dreams from your past you let go of , pick it up, God will restore it into something beautiful.

Abba Father- Thank you for dreams and what you do with them. Thank you for “fearless dreamers” like Martin Luther King Jr. With him trusting you with his dream and willing to surrender the “WHOLE” picture I may not have the family l have today. I hope we never take it for granted or forget how Blessed we are. Help me not to surrender in fear to dream. I pray for all those who lost a dream I pray for a spark to ignite. My dream right now is a home for my family and I to be able to live and grow in and so that we always have room for more at the table. I am grateful for the place now you have provided for us for the last 3 years and pray that this home will be a blessing to the next people who move in.

Love you,

Your daughter of Zion! Zephaniah 3:14-20

The test of the "will"

                           *FLUKE: I don’t believe in accidents, I Believe everything  happens for a reason. 

                                                                 Romans 8:25~28             

      The more I want my children to surrender their “WILL” God reminds me that I have yet to fully surrender mine!  OUCH! Let me tell you we have 6 strong willed children and it is soooooo frustrating I can’t IMAGINE how God feels, and yet he hasn’t SMITED us yet.  Oh and did I mention we have a 3 ½ month old baby boy (foster care) that we have in our house as well. The baby was by pure fluke. We were just doing respite for this mother who is an addict and this is her 1^st child. She LOVES him and WANTS to parent this beautiful, loving, sweet little boy but just needed help. SO we would watch him 2 days a week while she would go to her meetings and such and it was going good till she got evicted, and relapsed. Now we have him full time as a foster child.(so if you’re keeping count that’s 9 children we have) I really like this mom and hopes and prays she can do it. It’s so easy to look at the situation and judge it, but I am reminded of my struggles and realize that I am no different with my own sin. So how am I so blessed to be able to have all these children in my life, then the guilt comes because I know I should do better, more patience, more loving, more grace, more, more, more and yet daily I fail. Remember the “smiting” us part, I am always looking for the lightning rod. LOL. 

“FLASHBACK”   I was a child that was in foster care. I know that there is A LOT of bad stigmas with the word “FOSTER CARE”. I am not going tell you that all foster parents are good or all are bad, I just know that I had 2 different homes and both were amazing and life changing. At the time I was 12 in my first one and 14 in my second. Both gave me such different things, both I needed and I didn’t know it at the time but I believe saved my life.  From the start I told my husband I am going to do foster care to hopefully change a life like mine was changed, and I am going to adopt if you’re not down with that good bye! Lol

Well obviously I did not scare him away yet! The other part to this desire was that I was also adopted. And that’s a WHOLE another time.

So we are in the process of adopting this wonderful, beautiful, loving, stubborn, strong willed, 17 year old boy. He has had our heart at day 1 when we met him.  Again another fluke. He has been in care since he was 2 years old. Passed around state to state, family to family.  Strong willed does not even describe it because he has never had. So stepping up into his life “trying” to be this parental figure is difficult for him and for me. He has never needed to include or submit or share with any parent before. And as for me, one whose going through this surrender thing is making it more…hmmm….let’s just say challenging. I am trying to find that balance to let him go and keep him close and teach him. The other challenge is that I, a kid, coming from care and such can see all the same survival tools that he has and MY strong will kicks in because I will not let him use them on me. LOL.  I have worked hard to rid myself of those tools (bad habits, or hindrances) Let’s face it, they are games to mask whatever is really going on, so we tend to butt heads a lot these days because I DON’T BACK DOWN. See the “will” thing. Haha So yes I am on the tug of war game trying to learn when to let go, and when to pull.

Lord~  Thank you for today and all that I have learned. Forgive me for not seeing all the blessing you gave me today or looking at my life and giving you Praise  instead I grumbled and complained. I have a crazy beautiful family, everyone is healthy and in their beds. For that alone I THANK YOU.  I pray for the family that is looking for their little boy. Oh LORD JESUS. Please show them where he is!  I Pray protection on my children.  Protect their hearts. Help us to continue to grow in you. Stir our hearts.

Lord I pray for your direction on a house, my mind is busy and my house is loud so its sometimes hard to hear you soft, gentle voice, I ask for BIG road blocks and NEON open doors. Thank you that you have not given up on me.

First Blog

      Well this is my first blog posting Whooohoo! Well a little history, my husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 homegrown children and 5 adopted children and 1 in the process of adopting. Ages range from the oldest 17 years down to the youngest a set of 3 year old twins, and every age in between. We feel that there is always room for more. (we are a little crazy) Its hard, rewarding, always learning, and like EVERY family we have our challenges.
      
      The idea for my title "My American orphanage"  came to me one day when I was reflecting on where I once was and where I am now. I NEVER wanted to get married or have any children of my own. I went to Guatemala as a missionary with the organization YWAM (youth with a mission) and loved  on the street kids, the kids that lived at the dump, orphans, sick babies...I wanted my OWN orphanage. Through a long journey (which with my flashbacks) you will understand how I got here. But reflecting that day I had a revelation I have it, My Orphanage, Sorta. God has given me sick babies, street kids, an orphan. But OH NO the blessings did not stop there he gave me 2 children (biologically) to expand my love in such away I never knew was possible. I now understand that such a love is possible. And with every child I take into my arms I know that there is a mother out there somewhere with a broken heart. Don't get me wrong I am not giving any excuses for abuse,neglect, etc....... but they are the mothers of my children and through ALL the pain they may have caused......They loved them enough to let them go.....
Not easy!
And Last but not least is my husband, patient, provider, loving, logical, funny, always makes me feel like I am the only one in the room, and I LOVE it. He knew I was crazy when he met me. And he knew I never wanted to marry or have any children. Yet he still was there. He spoils me and (don't tell him but he really cant say no to me).
I love him, again God blessed me with someone to teach me unconditional LOVE. I can push and push but he still stands, and only sees me. God showed me that kind of love WAS possible.  As you probably can tell I love God but struggle with his love for me! God is amazing though and Gracious. I am so Thankful that he LOVES me.