What I am adopted!!!!

I was 12. Just got out of our local crisis center (local juvey) my parents picked me up and brought me home to a new bedroom set and bed spread they just bought me, I think to make me happy so I would start eating and to feel better about myself. I had and eating disorder for 2 years by this point, the crisis center was the only place they could put me until my parents could find a long term solution for me. Anyways they got me home showed me my new room and then dropped the bomb shell on me......"Jana, honey, you know that lady and her daughter that comes around and sells  Watkins, well she is your biological grandmother and the girl is your aunt. She is your biological dads mom."
"You were adopted." Those words just kept ringing in my head over and over and over and over. Deep inside I knew, but still that was the first time I heard it. I was adopted. What does that mean......
Over the next couple of months I would go to bed dreaming of the possibilities, is he a prince am I a long lost princess, does he live in Europe, is he rich and live in a huge mansion with maids and stuff,,, do I have more siblings. does he ever think of me and what he might look like or what his laugh sounds like, oh the things I thought at 12. I started to write him letters but kept them in my drawer on hope of one day metting heim so that I could give them to him and he would know what I thought and what I was doing. I was 13 and the day arose that I had an opportunity to meet him, I learned he lived in Kansas with his wife and 2 sons. I had 2 brothers, I wonder if they know about me and want to meet me as much as I want to meet them. Well a friend of my mother said it was important for kids to know where they come from, she said she would drive me there to meet him. I was bursting with excitement, then came "what does one wear on meeting there bio dad for the first time, how should I introduce myself (he had no clue I was coming), should I curl my hair leave it straight make-up, no make-up.....things to wonder. Well we drove to Kansas (It was the longest ride of my life) got set up in our hotel and drove by his house. No cars where home so we just wandered around town until we went back and saw a little car in the drive way. My friend stopped on the next block and let me walk up to the house by myself with my shoe box in hand, I knocked on his door and......HE ASNWERED. I just staired at him as he said "can I help you". My heart was pounding inside I wanted to just leap into his arms and call him daddy, and cry and him to hug me and tell me how much he loved me and could not wait for this day to happen. Instead  I introduced myself as Jana marie Baune (as that was my name before I was adopted) I am ****'s daughter, I think I am your daughter....................................................................................... then the long pause.........................then came the Oh shit, and stuff. Well I only stayed for about 20 mins, long enough to have every dream, thought, expectation to be thrown out the window. I gave him the box with the letters in it and told him my name and age etc. But I had to go before his wife and boys got home. He said he was afraid this day would happen, I was like a ghost haunting him from his past, and if there was more I must have blocked it out because that is all I remember. Said goodbye and the door shut........ Was it me, I had just got braces and 2 teeth missing with a bar across them, was I ugly, not what he would want in a daughter. I should have waited a couple of years until the braces are off. Did I have too many zits. Normally I didn't break out except a few but did he see them and thought they were horrible. What did I say, the wrong thing I don't speak well I fumble maybe he thought I was stupid or something. All these things I played in my head as we drove home from Kansas that night, I didn't shed a tear.
         When we got home mom and dad wondered how it went. What do I say.....you told me so, was I better off not knowing, all the things I said to you about finding who I am and that you were all just a big fat lie in my life and I want nothing to do with you. That he broke my heart, his LOVE was the last hope I had to my happiness. But I did not shed a tear......."It went good" I said with a grin and went to my room and buried my face in my pillow and cried so hard. It was the first time I have ever felt my heart broken. If you have ever experienced that kind of  pain before then you know how deep it wounded me, with the spirit of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness.

Lord as I stop here, I see how far you have taken me and pursued me as your daughter. I also see how much more you want to walk with me as I still need healing in some areas that I am wounded in. I pray for my family, they are the family you gave me bio or not you put them in my life the good the bad and the ugly. Things happened that broke my heart, I couldn't hear you but you were there. All the bad you made beautiful and all the good you made stronger. Thank You.
Your Daughter still finding her way!

SCARS

Adoption is hard..........I look at my crew and sometimes just cry at how blessed we are, then sometimes I cry about the loss that the birth family goes through. I cant imagine letting go of my babies to be raised by another, always wondering......
We have my niece staying with us for a month for the summer and she said something so profound and wonderful that help me see things in a better perspective. We were sitting around the table and talking about our scars and battle wounds she said in her little soft voice "I have a scar, but I don't remember if it hurt but I can see it so I know its a scar, but after a while I forget about it and it faded away.....".   That's so true in life. We can feel the pain at first but as the pain fades away we are left with a scar. A scar that reminds us of the pain we felt, but God wants to heal us from that scar, to help us deal with the memory of that pain, and after awhile the pain (scar) will fade away if we let him.
So my prayer is for all the birth families that they can find healing in the decision they made so they are not forever bound by a painful scar on their heart. That they may find peace and JOY in the life they live.

Father I pray the scars that still cause pain in someone's life today. Gently take our hands and walk us through what we have to do in order to release it to you. I thank you for the pain we must endure sometimes to make us better people. Help us to realize it is not meant to hurt us or stunt us but to grow and to see the blessing in the midst.
Love your daughter trying to still figure things out.

Long overdue update!

Well a long over due update is..........the foster baby we had is going to be the newest addition to our family:) We love him. He has a mischief personality, loving, tender, busy little boy! LOL But hes going to be a great addition to our family.

                         

This is baby. Will be 2 in April. Super smart and super busy!!!! love this boy though.

 

 

Lord- Thank you again for another blessing. Show me his name and verse. My prayer is to raise him for you that his heart will always have a love for your people. He will be strong in you and to be a leader to lead the broken.

I am ......and I have no certification!

I am a..........
      
          Nurse, vet, referee, maid, gourmett chief,
professional butt wiper, taxi driver, barber, hairdresser, builder of many things, soccer, basketball, swimming, dance, tee ball cheerleader, gardener, keeper of all things sacred ( like cars and money and dolls ), banker, seamstress, detective of things they try to hide or things that need to be found, nutritionist, home decorated, construction worker (sorta), teacher, librarian, counselor, friend, mother, wife, daughter, sister, activist, personal shopper, painter, bug catcher/holder, photographer, movie critic ( to give my approval ratings),
..........and much more I will add more as i grow or figure it out. Its amazing all the things you find that you are capable of doing.

Twins part 2

My beautiful twins. As they grew they got more and more difficult, but not impossible. They didn't communicate well so that brought on problems all of its own, noise was a problem, new environments, basically anything and everything! I felt like i was always trapped in my house. They were so destructive and had such behaviors I couldn't go to a friends house, church, but they like to go for drives in the car. They are 4 and still to this day they are not potty trained. I have never felt more like a failure as a parent as i have with these two. I just simply don't know how to parent them. Everything i do or try does not work. Many nights I just sit and cry and cry to God and ask for help. One night as i was crying and asking for God's help he asked me "are you ready for me to help you yet". YES YES YES, what do you think i have been asking for all this time. What i figured out was i wanted his help but never let him, or listened to what he was saying.                 
                                      Persistence! Perseverance! Patience! 
Every year as i see the Dr. i always said i think something is wrong. He always assured me that it is just because they are delayed but they will catch up and be OK. Every year was the same thing, and every year it seem to get harder and harder. Finally after I heard God say that to me i call the Dr. and got another apt. and everything i have been saying he saw and got the testing started, it was like God lifted blinders off his eyes to witness what they battle with every day and sometimes nights. I felt rejuvenated like i was heard. Finally i can let it all go and just enjoy!
The twins are best friends and worst enemies! They will protect each other and beat the snot out of  each other. What one doesn't think of the other does. I am always on my toes, fixing things adding new locks to doors and cupboard and such. They make my life more.

Lord- Thank you so much for these boys. My life is forever changed because of them. My mothers heart prays for their future. Make there paths clear but yet challenge them to grow, plant them on the hearts of your people to pray without ceaseing. I come against any harmful plans of destruction for their lives and pray for blessings. I know you have a plan for them as 2 because that is how you sent them. Help shandon and i to lead them. I pray for creative ideas, patience, continued strength. I also pray for their relationship as they grow nothing will come between them or harbor any grudges that could cause a wedge between them Because I KNOW you have a plan for them, you sent them as 2!

Twins part1

We got a call one day to take a set of 3 month old twins. They were still in the hospital getting ready to be discharged and needed a place to go so they had time to grow and get off there machines.( Its was a medical need that they were being placed in our home.) They were sooo little. They were preemies born at 26 weeks gestational, both weighing 1 lb. Both on the heart apnea machines and oxygen. The one on the right still has the premature blood spot on his brain that never dissolved. Still to this day causes some problems for him like tremors seizures. He has not had one in almost 2 years. YAY! The one on the left  was blind and deaf in one ear until he was 5 months then his retinas attached and passed his hearing test. PHEW. It was a busy,crazy household. We still had 2 little ones at home. So up all night feeding,changing, then the machines always going off,......breath.......then nurses in and out of the house, social workers, bio parents.......PLUS I was homeschooling on top of this. Yes hectic but way cool! This is still only the beginning of our craziness. About 4 months after we had gotten the twins we received another phone call, the bio parents had gotten their other children from family members and had gotten evicted and need a place for the 3 other children to go it was short term only for about a week or 2. So we said YES.  We added a 1 yr old, 2 yr old, 5 yr old, to our mix. More on that later.

Back to the twins. They had alot of STUFF going on. They could start to eat any foods till they were 14 months due to no gag reflex. Didnt walk till almost 2, delayed in everything! Still to this day delayed. They are now 4 and terrors. I tell myself daily "God has a plan for them, God has a plan for them. LOL yes they test every last nerve I have. But I LOVE them and can't imagne my life without them. You know how sometimes you reflect back on life and wonder if you could change one thing then maybe life would be differnt.......I do that but only to Thank God even through all my stubborness he drug me along and didn't change a thing because these babies could have went to someone else, and i dont think someone can love them as much as i love them.

Raw, Naked, ugggggh

UGGGGH............ Remember that "second best" thing with my kids being adopted I talked about being OK with..........well today I take it back. One of our sons turned 9 and his birth dad and sister and step mom came for his birthday. It was good and typical, we had plans for his birthday and they call and tell me that they bought bus tickets and will be here  for 4 days. OK that's fine i would love to rearrange my schedule for you and you and your plans........I  am doing it for my kids not you. So they come and it is good and typical we pay for everything and drive but that's not the worst part, they come in and play this GREAT hero that can do no wrong. When they leave i have to deal with I am going to live with my dad and hes so great. Even my 18 year old (who has no relation to him) thinks he is the "boss" and is feeding the desire of my kids that he is sooooooo wonderful. I wont let my boys watch wrestling because they always start to fight and act like wrestlers, someone ALWAYS gets hurt and bloody. When there dad comes around all that goes out the window and he gets them stuff and does things he knows I don't allow. AGAIN I get to be the bad guy. NO wonder why they don't want to live with us and and would rather live with him. At least in their minds. I am sooooo irritated right now if you cant tell. I am trying to blog instead of hearing this garbage. He is like deliberately following me talking to my oldest about how cool his dad is and he and his siblings when they get older are going to live with him..... I just want to tell him he wont keep you safe or stay sober to feed you more than a bag of chips. You have worked so hard at school and who knows if you will make it to school with him. You wont have your own room let alone your own house. Don't you remember sleeping at the park by the library, smelling of pee because you didn't bath. Remember the things you saw that we talk about it and you knew it was wrong and how you cant sleep at night but I pray for you who will do that? If he was such a cool guy how come he would scare you and hit your mom, why didn't he fight for you when he could have, where was he when your mom was scaring you and threatening to cause harm to you, he could have left her,  how come drugs and alcohol was more important than your safety and well being. Every broken promise who has been there to go to the movies he promised or get that toy he promised or be there for your basketball  or wrestling  or tee ball he promised to go to. Who taught you how swim and ride a bike tie your shoes allowed you to learn things and conquer them. He would not do those things because he did not know how to do them himself. So you would be held back by his fear. Your siblings would be whipped with a belt as you know. So instead of VOMITING this all over him I blogged about it and maybe someday he will realize this on his own till then join me in pray for ME. I need to get over this and surrender this to GOD. Knowing He is in COMPLETE control is the only reason why I am not freaking out and running away to a foreign country and changing our names. LOL Just Kidding.
               I do Pray for them, love them and want the best for them. Hope that one day they will find the the answer like i did, JESUS. Being one that struggled with addictions and living on the street myself i get it. But i did not have kids, the day I found out i was pregnant I knew my life had to change NO matter what or how deep I dug myself in, this life was not about me anymore. Honestly  i do get a long with him (on most days) Today i feel vulnerable and weak and jealous. So there is my raw truthfullness. Exposing my  emotions instead of just being like oh well, i feel so naked!


Lord.... I don't even know how to Pray. I feel so ashamed, naked like I just ate the forbidden fruit for the first time. I don't want to feel this way. I dreamed of open adoptions as doing life and raising children together, like communal living. I love to live that way. I don't like that I have to compete with a bio parents. I guess I want to matter too. More than just a cook, laundry person, or the "parent" for "now". I want to matter and be the parent forever, one that they will want to run too. To be proud to say this is my MOM, not in quotations..........I know I know with you all things are possible and you made these things!
So I will just try to rest in you tonight! Love you
extremely tired.


holding on your daughter of Zion,
Zephaniah  3- 9:20